Using the Ultimate Guide

[ursula]

Now that we've gone through the dull introductory material, we can use the ultimate guide to answer questions that really matter. (If we were discussing hairy spheres, the process would be rather similar to a course in algebraic topology.)

Q. Why isn't James Bond girly, when he only ever drinks mixed drinks?

A. First of all, James Bond does not consume dessert-like mixed drinks. (1.1 does not apply.) In fact, he drinks martinis that contain both gin and vodka; though this combination does not quite trigger 2.5, "I'm so tough I can survive my drink," it does suggest certain leanings in that direction. However, the main factor is that James Bond's name is always cooler than the name of his beverage. An excess of martinis might make a generic Jim B. seem a wee bit girly, but not Bond.

Q. Why is vodka so much more impressive when Russians drink it?

A. Because Russians can drink quantities that would kill anyone else. They thereby fulfill criterion 2.5 in spades. Americans, on the other hand, tend to drink vodka because it doesn't taste like anything, which suggests that the extremely unimpressive criterion 2.6 is a strong factor in their motivations.

Comments

[eva-c.livejournal.com]

Happiness for the Ultimate Guide goodness. Now, if only I could figure out how to use it, I'd be all set. As in, which drinks apply to which? I am awaiting the next installment with a red wine glass of sparkling apple cider. (2.5: I'm so tough I can survive my own drink)

[glowing-fish.livejournal.com]

So, like, what if your name is Johnny Walker? Your drink will have the exact same level of coolness as you, name wise.