Drafting the Ultimate Alcohol-Characterization Guide

When a person chooses a drink, he does so by some combination of the following criteria:

1. I like the taste.
   
   
   
   1. It's dessert!
      
   2. I love the subtle flavors.
      
   
   
2. I want to look cool.
   
   
   
   1. My drink's name is much cooler than mine.
      
   2. I'm popular!
      
   3. I'm sophisticated, like those people who wear slinky black cocktail dresses and go to parties in New York.
      
   4. I have refined and intellectual tastes.
      
   5. I'm so tough I can survive my drink.
      
   6. If I ask for Coke everyone stares at me.
      
   
   
3. I just want to get drunk.
   
   
   
   1. Party!
      
   2. I hate my life, I want to forget about it.
      
   3. I want something to fiddle with so I don't have to make conversation.
      
   
   

The Ultimate Guide, Part 2: Manliness and Girliness

We next observe that certain of the criteria listed in the guide are connected with various properties. In particular, 1.1 and 2.1 are linked to girliness, while 2.5 is linked to manliness. The combination of 1.1 or 2.1 and 2.5 generally signals extreme adolescence (i.e., mint extract in quantities sufficient for intoxication, or Flaming Dr. Peppers.)

The Ultimate Guide, Part 3: Simple Examples

A man dressed in black wanders into a somewhat decrepit bar in Europe, asking for absinthe. We conclude that he is acting with reference to 2.1 ("My drink's name is cooler than mine"), 2.3, 2.5 ("I'm so tough I can survive my drink"), and 3.2, and with complete disregard for category 1. We conclude that he is sophisticated yet somehow adolescent.

A perky young woman who has added -essa to her name to make it sound prettier drinks Smirnoff Ice. She is acting in regard to criteria 1.1, 2.1, 2.2, and 3.1. We conclude that she is insufferably girly.